Living in the Past:

Living in the Past is a feature where I take old posts from various outlets, polish them with some overkill and feature them here at mannystiles.blogspot for your perusal!

Today, it is time for Everybody Get High (on mountains)!!! Originally posted at kombol.blogspot way back on December 5th, 2005.
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Ahhh, mountain climbing. One of many Manny pursuits.

On Sunday, I ventured over to Camelback Mountain nestled between Phoenix, Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, Arizona... If you've never seen Camelback Mountain, it looks from certain angles kinda like... yes, a camel's back. See?














Yes, I realize there are approximately 9,345 rises in elevation named "Camelback Mountain" in the world (two that I know of in Maricopa County alone), but I chose this very one... luxuriously located at the social crux between the cities of Scottsdale (rich), Paradise Valley (richer), Tempe (college crowd) and Phoenix (grab bag of goodness). Anyway, 2704 feet (824 meters) of vicious and un-soft rock spring up from the metropolis and serves as somewhat of a natural beauty emblem for what 'the Valley of the Sun' pretends to represent.

Camelback is quite the hotspot for the adventuresome and crazy alike, especially during weekends... even more so on weekends like this past weekend - ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!! Yes, many people climb mountains for whatever reason -There were a lot of people climbing on Sunday- I will break them down by type here:

10-12% - the crazy nuts; the veritable "crazy" nuts, not just crazy like me... people wearing half-shirts, ankle weights, carrying IPods loaded with Irene Cara-type songs and rocking various head band accessories running up and down at what most logical thinkers would consider "beyond" full speed. They push the bounds of physical exercise, extend the concepts of public behavior into realms of WTFery and destroy the limits of what most of humanity considers typically acceptable fashion - that's definitely not for me (at least not for the entire climb, that is).

25% - the "Snotsdale" sort; The middle aged to just plain old; too rich for their own good. Stuck in their glory days far too long for anyone else's good. Scottsdale ladies wearing the most fashionable sweatsuits available because as everyone knows - the more expensive the outfit, the better mountain climber you are. Or at least the more acceptably realistic your breast implants and plastic surgery will appear. Um, yeah... Anyway, the more interesting the word you have stitched onto the butt of your sweats, the more people you can claim were checking out your ass.

50-70% depending on the time of day - the group I like to refer to as the medically weird; These are the people that always climb the mountain at a normal pace and dress normal and appear normal. A-p-p-e-a-r... But they have this one glaring personality trait - they MUST speak about their medical condition, or their latest surgery or their doctor of various sorts to their companion climbing pack. It is commonplace to be passed by a group talking about random ailments and the issues associated. Many of these people were even badly hurt climbing mountains!!! From laser eye surgery, goiter drainings, growth biopsies, incurable jock itch to colon check ups; stay on the mountain long enough and you'll hear it all.

30-80% - the socially HOT!!!; Any given day, you will find the smokin' babes climbing mountains. I suppose there's hot dudes too (other than myself). Obviously, these people are in shape, too. It's a skewed ratio of pretty people in the area to begin with but when you take the adventuresome crowd out of the pretty people it's quite a potent combination for the sexually deprived and desperately laidless to gawk upon. Are you single? Trouble finding attractive adventurous hotties? Go climb a mountain in Scottsdale - it's like shooting fish in a very small barrel with no water, all fish and an automatic machine gun.

2-6% - the strollers; the lallygaggers, the the meanderers - these folks are just out enjoying the nice day. They look around, enjoy the nature, respect the mountain, never get in anyone's way, and they see no need in going all the way to the top. Nice people

15-20% - photographers; for obvious reasons = the views AND the hotties.

40-60% - people who just want to get/stay in shape; You'd think it would be more... I suppose the rest of the people are at home watching the mountain climbing channel.

40-60% - people who want to look like they are in shape; Quite simply... liars and people who believe their own lies.

6% - 15% - kids and dogs; who get dragged up the rocks by their masters/owners. 90-98% of the kids/dogs have masters/owners that are absent-mindedly prepared to drastically under-hydrate them. Sad, but true.

3% - the assholes; who get to the top, hang out for 3 hours and bullshit about how awesome they are, how many times they climbed the mountain that day or who claim to have better lives than they obviously do. They scout the climbers looking for a willing or unsuspecting victim to whom they can rain down their verbal snoredom upon. You'd think there'd be LESS of these types of people on mountaintops, but...life is cruel. You nearly die climbing to the top, then you wanna die having to tolerate being in the same vicinity as these types. Unfortunately, they never hang out close enough to any of the steep edges or cliffs...

less than 1% - people who climb mountains for a blog topic;

Of course, I am in all of the above groups...

While there are no ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) sponsored trails, the two main trails up Camelback have undoubtedly added to the numbers of people benefiting from the ADA. I personally know of two people whom had to be assisted down the mountain with the aid of helicopters. Fun, painful, bloody and expensive times indeed!!!

Climbing Camelback on either of the two main trails is not a stroll in the park, but it's not impossible - as proven by this small tidbit - I did it! But it is work and in certain sections does require using your hands for leverage and using the utmost care and balance so not to become a bloody, smeary victim of gravity. Let's not forget the screaming hamstrings and calf muscles and grinding knee and ankle joints as a side dish. I did bash my elbow on a rock on the way down, and bled just the right amount to look mountain-rugged fresh.

Well, it took me 1 hour 20 minutes going up, 45 minutes coming down (about 15 minutes at the top taking pictures); While coming down the mountain is faster, it's actually tougher! Some of it is fatigue but more of it is equal parts 'gravity being a bitch' and 'falling being a constant over-apparent threat'. Plus there's also the ever-present distracting "views" to sway your attention.

But I made it!!! Here's proof!!!

Of course, when I got to the bottom, I ran full speed for the last 20 yards so the people just starting out could say - at the very least - "look at that crazy nut"...

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"There's already too many serious moments in life."

Peace and Good Tidings, --E--